It's Tuesday Coffee Chat day with Time Out for Mom. Today's question is ...
Dance like no one is watching. Who are you when no one is watching?
Will the real Nicole please stand up?
I have always said that I am just like my house. On the surface my house looks very clean, very put together, very orderly. But if you open the closets, things might fall out on you. There is no organization in there. And behind furniture and under rugs and in the little nooks and crannies, it is not as clean as I want it to be. No matter how much I clean it, with the messiness of life it is still dirty.
That's me, too. I appear to have it all together. Most would think that by looking at me, that I do. Mostly I do. I keep my life orderly. It is important for me to have order. Inside, I'm not as together as I appear on the outside. I'm like anyone else ... I have my demons. I do a pretty good job of pushing my problems aside, out of the way, sweeping them under the rug. I am diligent about always trying to clean up my life, those strongholds that rob me of joy and of being the woman God wants me to be. But no matter how much I work at it, I'm still not as cleaned up as I want to be. And I realize I never will be.
But I am learning that God chose me to be His, even in my current condition. He has work to do in me and will always love me no matter what. I will make mistakes, and I am not afraid to admit them. I am okay with that. I know that things will end well for me. I ponder on this fact often.
On that note, I am a very contemplative person. I stink at brainstorming ... just ask my husband. I like to have everything all worked out in my mind before I discuss it. So I think A LOT! If you see me out and about and I have a frown on my face with a furrowed brow, it's not because I am unhappy ... it's because I am in deep thought. I am this way when no one is looking, too, because any member of my family can walk into a room where I am and quietly say my name and scare the poo out of me because I am in deep thought.
I am fierce when it comes to my husband and my kids. If you mess with them, you mess with me. Period.
I have a real problem with people who don't do what they are supposed to do, who shirk their responsibilities and then spend their time blaming others. And when that blame goes toward my husband or kids, I pretty much lose it. (See previous paragraph.)
And I don't like stupid people. Whether I am alone or in public, I don't like stupid people. That may sound harsh, but this post is about truth, my friends.
I don't require much to make me happy. My home and the people in it about does it for me. I don't require entertainment. Give me a t.v. show or a good book and I am all set. I don't care about nice, fancy things. I just need the necessities, and someone to share them with. I don't have many friends, and don't need them. I have my husband, my parents, my children. They meet my socialization needs. I would much rather fix a big dinner for my family and watch a movie or play a game together than to go out somewhere.
I enjoy homeschooling my kids as much as I appear to others to enjoy it. Seeing the growth of knowledge in my children fulfills my life.
I am immensely proud of the young adults Kyndal and Dawson have become, despite the heart-hurting difficulties they have endured. All of my children are kind and loving and responsible. They don't always make the choices I would make, but they make them for the right reasons and I am proud of them for their courage to stand true to their own selves.
I would rather be trapped in the house in a snow storm than to be sitting on the beach. I like a glass of wine occasionally but would prefer a cup of coffee.
I don't think I am much different in person than I am when I am alone and no one is watching, except I might shower and fix my hair more often if I am around other people and wear something other than my homeschooling uniform. I guess that would be the biggest difference. If you stop by my house during the week, I might not look as pretty as I would look out in public.
So this is the real me. This is the me I am when nobody is watching. It is also the me I try to be when someone is.
I am pretty happy with me, and am grateful for those who love me for exactly who I am.